Characters appearing in this story are not at all fictitious and are as real as most of the things on your resume. Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent if you watch movies, read the news, or have an IQ above 80. All incidents described herein actually happened, exactly like Osama Bin Laden was found, killed, and buried at sea in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition. On certain occasions in the story, the author may have taken creative liberties with names, facts, and any other thing that may or may not matter. As an Indian male living in America who has assimilated both cultures and ethics, the author feels he has every right to fudge the facts (a la Suresh Kalmadi) and then be totally shameless about it (a la George Bush).
Chanakya Oswald Khan is a man on a mission. Nobody knows his true identity, but we all know that he is our information messiah. He is a mysterious dark shadow who appears out of nowhere and disappears into thin air. Crossing through borders with remarkable ease, he owns no passport and needs no visa. Unlimited physical strength and acute mental agility are just two of the many superhuman qualities he has. Legend has it that the fictional characters of James Bond and Karamchand have been loosely based on the true life story of Chanakya Oswald Khan. Only two people in the world know his true identity and those two are never allowed to travel together on the same airplane. The world would have been a very different place today had it not been for COK and his legendary contribution to the field of journalism. For some of you who have been living under a rock and have no idea what Chanakya Oswald Khan does, here is the answer: He is a freelance reporter. Like Tintin. Only better! Without the stupid white dog.
Many government agencies, law enforcement groups, and terrorist organizations have tried to trace him. But needless to say, he still remains an elusive stranger. He recently tweeted that his only objective in life is to heal the world and to make it a better place for you and for me and for the entire human race. That tweet was followed shortly by another tweet that said, “Michael Jackson rocks”. A word of caution, for all our readers – do not try to ‘follow’ COK on Twitter. Any attempt to do that will simply crash your computer with the message that “You don’t find a COK, the COK finds you”. Living in a world where deception is the order of the day, he is working 24/7 to unmask the truth. In due course of time, he will tell you who masterminded 9/11, where is Dawood Ibrahim, what really happened at Roswell, did Rakhi Sawant really get a boob job, and if George W Bush is actually a monkey who has been trained to speak in a human voice. Every issue of global concern is on his radar, and one by one he will find out the answers to every question imaginable. Breaking news: COK has finally uncovered Victoria’s Secret!
He is smart, sexy, intelligent, charming, handsome, strong, sensitive, and everything else that you can never be. He also has a cape and a theme song. He’s like a super hero … rather, a super reporter. Striking fear in the hearts of everyone who have a lie to cover or a sin to hide, he makes the bad guys reveal the truth with his incisive and thought-provoking questions. At times, he also interviews the good guys so that their stories can inspire the world. He hounds every person who is answerable to the public and forces them to give him an interview. Let the word ‘force’ not mislead you, for his instruments of force are satya (truth) and ahinsa (nonviolence). Living life with Gandhian principles and armed with a dazzling smile and sheer brilliance, the super reporter toils night and day to make Michael Jackson’s dream come true (not the one with the little boys).
In this space, you will have the unique opportunity to read excerpts from his exclusive interviews with newsmakers across the globe. Remember that these interviews are highly confidential and classified. After you read these interviews, for your own safety, you are advised to print them out on A4 sheets and burn every single page. You don’t want to be in the same kind of trouble as the WikiLeaks guy.
Join COK as he sets about in his mission to expose the world of its shenanigans and mischief. Play your part in the social revolution by learning and spreading COK’s exploits! Always remember that COK answers no one, fears no one, and spares no one! COK does as he pleases, goes where he pleases, and as many times as he pleases. Security clearance and approvals are for the nitwits at BBC and CNN. COK lives life by his rules and after he has made a commitment, he fulfills it no matter what (of late a famous Bollywood actor is trying hard to be like him in his onscreen avatar).
Following is an incomplete transcript from his interview with Osama Bin Laden from an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time.
COK : Hi Obama Bin Laden! So we meet again. How are you?
OBL : See, this is why I hate you infidels! I bombed the hell out of your people and you still can’t get my name right! Ever since I have died, those idiots on Fox News are calling me Obama once every 17 minutes. Don’t make me come back from the dead, I tell you! I have had it with this Jihad thing. The name’s Osama, OSAMA – and you better remember it. That aside, thanks again for interviewing me. You are a great man. I am a big fan of yours! I have heard so much about you. I loved reading your interview of Pippa Middleton. Boy, is she hot!
COK : Umm … thanks. By the way, I apologize for getting your name wrong. I meant Osama. So are you really dead?
OBL : That depends on what you want to believe. I might have died a few years ago in the Tora Bora Mountains, I might have died in Abbottabad a few days ago, or I might have died in between because of this kidney problem. Or you know, I could have even survived the so-called sea burial that I was given.
COK : Hunhh … how can you survive a burial?
OBL : Oh please! I love watching Bollywood movies. I have learned a lot from Mogambo, Gabbar Singh, Shaakal, Hilaal Kohestaani, and the rest of the Bolly Baddie Gang. If the baddie dies so easily then it just means that the baddie wasn’t bad enough or the movie’s scriptwriter sucks. I have learned a lot of tricks from them. I could very much be alive right now, and laughing at you imbeciles while planning my next attack.
COK : Talking about watching movies, reports are coming in of having found pornography in your Abbottabad home. Any comments?
OBL : Well, it gets lonely as you can imagine. Plus, I have been waiting so long for my 72 virgins. I thought that when I finally get up there I should be able to, you know, perform. So the porn was just to keep myself in the game. Since it was a house with no phone or internet, I could neither call the friendship line phone numbers nor could I check out the videos on the internet. Finally, I had to ask my dumbass couriers to get me some raunchy Asian role-playing stuff. Now that I think of it, using those couriers for my kinks wasn’t such a hot idea.
COK : Did the Pakistani government or the ISI help you in any way in setting up your base in Abbottabad? Did they build you that huge mansion?
OBL : Hahaha! Are you kidding me? They haven’t been able to help themselves in all these years. How the hell will they help me or my organization? We just walked across the border and built this mansion ourselves.
COK : And where were their police and army while you were doing that?
OBL : We would strategically plan all such activities when the Indian TV channels would be airing shows like Indian Idol and Dance India Dance. Nobody watches Pakistan TV in Pakistan and the whole country just sits glued to the TV when these Indian shows are being aired. Honestly, I think these guys watch it illegally without paying for it, but that’s another story. So all our sneaky activities would be completed at TV prime time between 8 pm to 10 pm. Everything else would be accomplished when Pakistan would get its ass whooped by India in the cricket tournaments.
COK : So you are saying that the Pakistani Government had no idea that senior members of the al-Qaeda, such as yourself, were in its territory?
OBL : None, whatsoever. However, the ISI chief is a wild party animal. I still remember that day when we did tequila shots in the garden and then had a projectile vomiting contest. It was so much fun!
COK : You guys partied together and the ISI chief didn’t know that he was partying with the world’s most wanted man?
OBL : Nope. I was wearing a burqa. He thought I was just some hot chick.
COK : That’s hard to believe!
OBL : Yeah, he was hard. Better believe it!
COK : I don’t want to get into that. Anyway, what happens to the al-Qaeda now? Who takes over the controls? Will it be Ayman Zawahiri, Mohammad Omar, or Ilyas Kashmiri?
OBL : We are still thinking about it. We thought that we need someone who is actually a crook but has a clean and positive image to be the global face of Jihad. We are in talks with Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Fingers crossed!
COK : But they are both Christians!
OBL : Damn it! Technicality! Hey, you have a Hindu first name, a Christian middle name, and a Muslim last name. What’s the deal?
COK : That doesn’t concern you. First tell me who’s going to be your successor?
OBL : Well, your last name is Khan. I could offer you the job if you want. Good salary, good perks, and 72 virgins! Say what?
COK : My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist.
OBL : Damn it! I have always hated that Shahrukh Khan and Karan Johar!
COK : I have a confession to make. The world was thinking that you are hiding in some cave, but obviously, I knew that you are just a few miles away from Pakistan’s capital city. I alerted the CIA and tracking your couriers just confirmed my deduction. So you can say that I am the reason why the navy seals came to your mansion to say hello.
OBL : What??? You brought the navy seals to my home??? Jesus Christ … I mean, Allah-o-Akbar! Then why is Barack Osama jumping around basking in the glory of having caught me?
COK : You mean Barack Obama.
OBL : That’s what I said!
COK : No, you said Barack Osama.
OBL : I don’t understand. What’s the difference?
COK : @s$#O!e !!!
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