An Open Letter to Today’s Social Networking Kings & Queens

Dear Social Networking King(s)/Queen(s),

Tongue planted firmly in cheek; mode = ON

First and foremost, let me apologize to you for writing this letter in a language that is probably difficult for you to read and understand. I prefer constructing sentences with complete words and punctuation, and I do realize that such verbose forms of communication may appear pointless to extremely busy and noble people like you. However, it is my humble request that you stay with me as I attempt to share my thoughts through my archaic and abysmally boring language.

Tongue planted firmly in cheek; mode = OFF

Confused and perplexed; mode = ON

As I surf through countless tweets and Facebook conversations, I am often baffled by this new language that you have invented. A language that some of my old-fashioned friends and I struggle to understand the point of. For example, why do you insist on saying, ‘c u l8r’, instead of “see you later”? Is the time saved on a few key presses really critical to your daily schedule of doing whatever it is that you do? Or is it your way of projecting a cool dude/dudette image of yourself into the virtual world? Shortening long words and phrases is understandable, acronyms are also fine, but what is this obsession with making short words even shorter? Sometimes, it’s not even shorter … but just, different! Case in point: ‘kewl’ versus “cool”.

And you don’t stop there. You would rather use ‘n’ instead of “and". For you the three articles in the English language are ‘a, an, d’ instead of “a, an, the”. For you ‘sumthin hapnd cuz of sum1’ instead of “something happened because of someone “. You stay up ‘l8 in d nite’ instead of staying up “late in the night”. You want to have a ‘gud lyf’ and that’s great, but I just wish that you rather had a “good life”. And what’s with you when you ‘suppalyk’ your friend’s FB comments? Is the like button not enough to show your appreciation if you don’t have any other words to contribute? Also, it doesn’t bug me when you LOL, but kindly explain what the hell is ‘lollzzzzz’? Did you fall asleep with laughing out loud?

Confused and perplexed; mode = OFF

Annoyed and irritated; mode = ON

I hate it when you say that things were ‘gr8r b4’. Remember, it’s “never” and not ‘neva’. We are “friends” and not ‘frens’. It’s “whatever” and not ‘wateva’. It’s “with” and not ‘wid’. It’s “right” and not ‘rite’. It’s “what” and not ‘wat’. It’s “today” and not ‘2day’. It’s “phone” and not ‘fone’. D lyst is far frm cmplet, i cud go on foreva …

Here’s a tip to avoid looking like a complete moron: make the extra effort to type the last ‘g’ when you feel like ‘singin wen itz rainin’, or when you use the –ing form of any word.

Annoyed and irritated; mode = OFF

Polite request; mode = ON

PLEASE DON’T TYPE IN CAPS ALL THE TIME. Please use punctuation where you can especially in a long sentence because it increases the readability of the sentence like this one and to make my point I am going to try to make this sentence even longer by saying some unrelated things that nobody cares about see you have started getting weirded out and I did this just to make you realize how disgusting it is to read such poorly constructed language. Please understand that special symbols such as the question mark (?), exclamation mark (!), period (.). etc., don’t need to be repeated a billion times to stress its importance. Do you understand ???????????? I hope you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, please realize that the period is not a substitute for the space bar. It’s perfectly alright to write a sentence like this and ……………..you……………don’t………………need…..to……..write…………like……….this.

Polite request; mode = OFF

Trying to be nice so that you don’t feel bad; mode = ON

Nobody has to be grammatically and syntactically correct all the time while tweeting, facebooking, or IMing. We all use shorthand at times. Things like brb, tc, ttyl, etc. are perfectly acceptable. The problem is when you take it too far with words like ‘wurdz’. The occasional usage of such ludicrous language is also fine, but when you insist on talking in gangsta rap format al da tym – it can get really unbearable for some of us. No, you don’t save any significant amount of time when you talk like this. Neither do you come across as cool.

Trying to be nice so that you don’t feel bad; mode = OFF

Parting words and final shot; mode = ON

Some of you may argue that why make a fuss when what you want to communicate gets communicated anyway, even with your moronic language. Fair point, but I beg to differ. There’s one heck of a difference in what you are asking me to do when you say ‘cum onlyn’ instead of “come online”.

If you want to discuss this further, feel free to write to me at: rotfl@hahaissomuchbetter.com

Parting words and final shot; mode = OFF

Yours sincerely,

Troubled Social Network User

Chanakya Oswald Khan Returns ...

Characters appearing in this story are not at all fictitious and are as real as most of the things on your resume. Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent if you watch movies, read the news, or have an IQ above 80. All incidents described herein actually happened, exactly like Osama Bin Laden was found, killed, and buried at sea in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition. On certain occasions in the story, the author may have taken creative liberties with names, facts, and any other thing that may or may not matter. As an Indian male living in America who has assimilated both cultures and ethics, the author feels he has every right to fudge the facts (a la Suresh Kalmadi) and then be totally shameless about it (a la George Bush).

Chanakya Oswald Khan is a man on a mission. Nobody knows his true identity, but we all know that he is our information messiah. He is a mysterious dark shadow who appears out of nowhere and disappears into thin air. Crossing through borders with remarkable ease, he owns no passport and needs no visa. Unlimited physical strength and acute mental agility are just two of the many superhuman qualities he has. Legend has it that the fictional characters of James Bond and Karamchand have been loosely based on the true life story of Chanakya Oswald Khan. Only two people in the world know his true identity and those two are never allowed to travel together on the same airplane. The world would have been a very different place today had it not been for COK and his legendary contribution to the field of journalism. For some of you who have been living under a rock and have no idea what Chanakya Oswald Khan does, here is the answer: He is a freelance reporter. Like Tintin. Only better! Without the stupid white dog.

Many government agencies, law enforcement groups, and terrorist organizations have tried to trace him. But needless to say, he still remains an elusive stranger. He recently tweeted that his only objective in life is to heal the world and to make it a better place for you and for me and for the entire human race. That tweet was followed shortly by another tweet that said, “Michael Jackson rocks”. A word of caution, for all our readers – do not try to ‘follow’ COK on Twitter. Any attempt to do that will simply crash your computer with the message that “You don’t find a COK, the COK finds you”. Living in a world where deception is the order of the day, he is working 24/7 to unmask the truth. In due course of time, he will tell you who masterminded 9/11, where is Dawood Ibrahim, what really happened at Roswell, did Rakhi Sawant really get a boob job, and if George W Bush is actually a monkey who has been trained to speak in a human voice. Every issue of global concern is on his radar, and one by one he will find out the answers to every question imaginable. Breaking news: COK has finally uncovered Victoria’s Secret!

He is smart, sexy, intelligent, charming, handsome, strong, sensitive, and everything else that you can never be. He also has a cape and a theme song. He’s like a super hero … rather, a super reporter. Striking fear in the hearts of everyone who have a lie to cover or a sin to hide, he makes the bad guys reveal the truth with his incisive and thought-provoking questions. At times, he also interviews the good guys so that their stories can inspire the world. He hounds every person who is answerable to the public and forces them to give him an interview. Let the word ‘force’ not mislead you, for his instruments of force are satya (truth) and ahinsa (nonviolence). Living life with Gandhian principles and armed with a dazzling smile and sheer brilliance, the super reporter toils night and day to make Michael Jackson’s dream come true (not the one with the little boys).

In this space, you will have the unique opportunity to read excerpts from his exclusive interviews with newsmakers across the globe. Remember that these interviews are highly confidential and classified. After you read these interviews, for your own safety, you are advised to print them out on A4 sheets and burn every single page. You don’t want to be in the same kind of trouble as the WikiLeaks guy.

Join COK as he sets about in his mission to expose the world of its shenanigans and mischief. Play your part in the social revolution by learning and spreading COK’s exploits! Always remember that COK answers no one, fears no one, and spares no one! COK does as he pleases, goes where he pleases, and as many times as he pleases. Security clearance and approvals are for the nitwits at BBC and CNN. COK lives life by his rules and after he has made a commitment, he fulfills it no matter what (of late a famous Bollywood actor is trying hard to be like him in his onscreen avatar).

Following is an incomplete transcript from his interview with Osama Bin Laden from an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time.

COK : Hi Obama Bin Laden! So we meet again. How are you?

OBL : See, this is why I hate you infidels! I bombed the hell out of your people and you still can’t get my name right! Ever since I have died, those idiots on Fox News are calling me Obama once every 17 minutes. Don’t make me come back from the dead, I tell you! I have had it with this Jihad thing. The name’s Osama, OSAMA – and you better remember it. That aside, thanks again for interviewing me. You are a great man. I am a big fan of yours! I have heard so much about you. I loved reading your interview of Pippa Middleton. Boy, is she hot!

COK : Umm … thanks. By the way, I apologize for getting your name wrong. I meant Osama. So are you really dead?

OBL : That depends on what you want to believe. I might have died a few years ago in the Tora Bora Mountains, I might have died in Abbottabad a few days ago, or I might have died in between because of this kidney problem. Or you know, I could have even survived the so-called sea burial that I was given.

COK : Hunhh … how can you survive a burial?

OBL : Oh please! I love watching Bollywood movies. I have learned a lot from Mogambo, Gabbar Singh, Shaakal, Hilaal Kohestaani, and the rest of the Bolly Baddie Gang. If the baddie dies so easily then it just means that the baddie wasn’t bad enough or the movie’s scriptwriter sucks. I have learned a lot of tricks from them. I could very much be alive right now, and laughing at you imbeciles while planning my next attack.

COK : Talking about watching movies, reports are coming in of having found pornography in your Abbottabad home. Any comments?

OBL : Well, it gets lonely as you can imagine. Plus, I have been waiting so long for my 72 virgins. I thought that when I finally get up there I should be able to, you know, perform. So the porn was just to keep myself in the game. Since it was a house with no phone or internet, I could neither call the friendship line phone numbers nor could I check out the videos on the internet. Finally, I had to ask my dumbass couriers to get me some raunchy Asian role-playing stuff. Now that I think of it, using those couriers for my kinks wasn’t such a hot idea.

COK : Did the Pakistani government or the ISI help you in any way in setting up your base in Abbottabad? Did they build you that huge mansion?

OBL : Hahaha! Are you kidding me? They haven’t been able to help themselves in all these years. How the hell will they help me or my organization? We just walked across the border and built this mansion ourselves.

COK : And where were their police and army while you were doing that?

OBL : We would strategically plan all such activities when the Indian TV channels would be airing shows like Indian Idol and Dance India Dance. Nobody watches Pakistan TV in Pakistan and the whole country just sits glued to the TV when these Indian shows are being aired. Honestly, I think these guys watch it illegally without paying for it, but that’s another story. So all our sneaky activities would be completed at TV prime time between 8 pm to 10 pm. Everything else would be accomplished when Pakistan would get its ass whooped by India in the cricket tournaments.

COK : So you are saying that the Pakistani Government had no idea that senior members of the al-Qaeda, such as yourself, were in its territory?

OBL : None, whatsoever. However, the ISI chief is a wild party animal. I still remember that day when we did tequila shots in the garden and then had a projectile vomiting contest. It was so much fun!

COK : You guys partied together and the ISI chief didn’t know that he was partying with the world’s most wanted man?

OBL : Nope. I was wearing a burqa. He thought I was just some hot chick.

COK : That’s hard to believe!

OBL : Yeah, he was hard. Better believe it!

COK : I don’t want to get into that. Anyway, what happens to the al-Qaeda now? Who takes over the controls? Will it be Ayman Zawahiri, Mohammad Omar, or Ilyas Kashmiri?

OBL : We are still thinking about it. We thought that we need someone who is actually a crook but has a clean and positive image to be the global face of Jihad. We are in talks with Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Fingers crossed!

COK : But they are both Christians!

OBL : Damn it! Technicality! Hey, you have a Hindu first name, a Christian middle name, and a Muslim last name. What’s the deal?

COK : That doesn’t concern you. First tell me who’s going to be your successor?

OBL : Well, your last name is Khan. I could offer you the job if you want. Good salary, good perks, and 72 virgins! Say what?

COK : My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist.

OBL : Damn it! I have always hated that Shahrukh Khan and Karan Johar!

COK : I have a confession to make. The world was thinking that you are hiding in some cave, but obviously, I knew that you are just a few miles away from Pakistan’s capital city. I alerted the CIA and tracking your couriers just confirmed my deduction. So you can say that I am the reason why the navy seals came to your mansion to say hello.

OBL : What??? You brought the navy seals to my home??? Jesus Christ … I mean, Allah-o-Akbar! Then why is Barack Osama jumping around basking in the glory of having caught me?

COK : You mean Barack Obama.

OBL : That’s what I said!

COK : No, you said Barack Osama.

OBL : I don’t understand. What’s the difference?

COK : @s$#O!e !!!

Travel Travails

Almost everyone enjoys travelling. If you are a person with average physical and mental health, chances are you have, at some point of time in life, planned and looked forward to a trip. I am no different, but I am sure you know what people mean when they say that excess of everything is bad (except having an excess of single malts in your private bar bought from the airport duty free shops which is just awesome!).

So I was talking about excessive travelling and how that can be bad for some people. But first, we need to get through the disclaimer: all views and opinions expressed herein are idiosyncratic. You are most welcome to disagree and to have a different take on things. I will be happy to hear your views but please don’t display a compulsive need to prove and convince me of your viewpoint. Opinions are like genitals. It’s perfectly fine to have it and it’s perfectly fine to be proud of it, but please don’t try to ram it down other people’s throats unless they explicitly ask for it. It’s just rude (and unsafe).

This post examines my experience with business travel – the lead up, the trip, and the aftermath. Since I am no Quentin Tarantino or Chris Nolan, I will choose the linear and chronological narrative. It all begins with that one phone call that you get in between your 51^st yawn after your big fat lunch of hot and sour soup, fried rice, and kung pao chicken. You pick up the phone while trying to suppress the yawn that makes you look like a giant hippopotamus, and struggle to get that one word out - “Hello”. You try to sound all energetic as you talk business with the guy at the other end, but in reality you are still wondering why they put so much celery in the kung pao chicken. Somewhere in this cross connection of your mouth talking about revenues and targets, your brain thinking about Chinese food, and your fingers doing the incessant right click-refresh-right click-refresh drill … you have just been bamboozled! You are soon about to find out that you need to pack your bags (again!), waste a weekend in transit (again!), and spend the next few days meeting people you don’t know but have been told to do business with. Oh, and by the way … since you are travelling at such short notice, and being the money-wise manager that you are, you think it is morally incorrect to fly business class, even if you are entitled to do so. Why buy a $7,700 business class ticket to Toronto when an economy class ticket is available at only $900? Right? Congratulations, you have just been bamboozled (again!).

Day’s over and you are walking back to your car thinking about having committed to a trip that you had no plans of undertaking. “It’s all good,” you tell yourself. “It’s a good opportunity for me to learn and I get to see the world on company expense!” you reason. As you drive back you are making a mental note of the things you need to pack. You had planned to buy some groceries and cook tonight but now you think that there’s no point of doing that because you are going to be away for a while. So you stop somewhere and get a tomato basil soup and a pesto chicken sandwich for dinner that you can eat as you stuff your bags. You reach home and chow down the food while watching the bazillionth rerun of Friends (We were on a break, no we weren’t, Hahaha … still so funny!).

As you press your clothes and try to match ties with your shirt, you start getting really bored. You ask your girlfriend or your Mom to Skype and give you company as you stash 8 pairs of undergarments for your weeklong trip (one extra set just to be prepared, you know). Your girlfriend’s starting to get pissed off about how much you have been away lately and is secretly wondering if you are just making up these trips to be away from her (mental note – bring back a souvenir for her). Your Mom wants to know is if you have packed everything and she doesn’t forget to remind you to pack your gloves and scarf (though she does forget that she has already reminded you of that before – twice).

Next day, you rush through the important stuff at work before you head to the airport. In between the last minute meetings and phone calls, you also have to find time to set your out-of-office email response, complete your online check in, withdrawn cash from the ATM, and book a taxi to drive you to Airport Terminal E. Once at the airport you stand in line to go through security while hoping that this time your brown ass won’t be singled out for the ‘randomly selected’ checks. While everyone walks through a metallic door frame you are asked to step into a booth with your hands over your head as some x-ray device swings around to make sure you don’t have any explosives or cocaine stuffed up your bum. Yes, brown is the new black. Those guys are finally off the hook (about time, too!).

A pretzel and a tazo tea make the wait for the flight more tolerable. You sit and wonder when you will have enough miles to get a zone 1 boarding so that you are not one of the last people to enter the aircraft and for a change, there is some space for your suitcase in the overhead lockers. As you board the plane you hope that your adjacent seat be occupied by a hot female or just be empty, but no … that’s not going to happen. God likes to have fun, and you are His HBO. You realize you are sitting next to a woman who is neither hot nor believes in deodorants, and as if that wasn’t enough she also has a bawling baby. Just perfect! God’s just whipped up some pop corn and he’s now sitting in His La-Z-Boy and is watching you squirm and twitch all the way from Houston to Toronto. And, by the way, congratulations ... you have just been bamboozled!

Toronto’s cold and you look for your gloves and scarf. Damn! You forgot to pack it even after multiple reminders from your mother. Never mind, I will buy them from a nearby store you tell yourself (not going to happen!). The Downtown Radisson welcomes you with their well rehearsed artificial smiles and greetings, which gets a little more warm and artificial when you tell them your rewards membership number. They offer you a slight upgrade and tell you that you are going to get a complimentary bottle of 2002 Gabbiano Chianti in your room. After a thoroughly uneventful day, you are so pathetic that free wine cheers you up to the extent that you feel all is well with the world. You order food up to your room, make some calls to let people know that you have reached, and finally hit the bed to begin work the next day.

What happens over the next few days is a blur of 3 course buffet breakfasts, meetings, 3 course gourmet lunches, factory visits, PowerPoint presentations, 3 course dinners, and finally the all important post dinner socializing at the bar (that also eventually ends up as a business discussion with slurred speech). By the time you are done for the day, you have consumed close to 3,500 calories while having been just as physically active as a doorknob. Everyday is the same story. You start waiting with bated breath for the moment you take your flight back home.

Eventually, you are back. On your way back from the airport you stop in the way to pick up some dinner and make a mental note to go grocery shopping the next day. Back in office you spend half the day telling your colleagues how you trip went. Then lazily you head back to your desk to answer all those emails that you saw on your BlackBerry but didn’t bother opening because they came with 5MB attachments. Once you are done with that, you come to a very important but annoying part of the process – filing your expenses. Invariably you will realize that you safely preserved the $30 lunch receipt from the Kowloon Dim Sum Restaurant but have lost the $110 dinner receipt from Bistro 990. All in a day’s play, you tell yourself.

Halfway through filing your expenses, your colleagues stop by your office to know if you want to join them for lunch. An hour later, you have warm soup belly and as you stumble back into your office, your speaker phone crackles to life with the voice of the receptionist. “Hi Sunny! Mr. Morrison from Glasgow left you a message while you were gone for lunch. Could you please call him up to discuss your forthcoming Glasgow trip?” Congratulations, you have just been bamboozled!

Grocery shopping will have to wait.

Yash-Raaz Films present, “Aarambh – The Inception”

“Your heart is the scene of your match-making”.

Rahul Khanna (Shahrukh Kumar) is a skilled prem chikitsak, the absolute best in the dangerous art of Samapti. He specializes in stealing the love a person has for his beloved by delving deep within their subconscious during the dream state, when the mind is at its most vulnerable. Rahul’s rare ability has made him a coveted player in the world of arranged marriages where angry parents don’t want their precious little son/daughter to get married to their current gold-digger/douche bag love interests. He also bags tremendous business from people who feel that their spouses are cheating on them and of course from the Mahadesh Navbarbaad Sena (MNS). However, this has made him an international fugitive and has cost him everything he has ever loved. Now, Rahul is being offered once chance at redemption. One last job could give him his life back but only if he can achieve the opposite – Aarambh.

Instead of the perfect breakup, Rahul and his team of specialists have to pull of the reverse: their task is not to break up a couple but to create one. If they succeed it will be the perfect match-making. But no amount of careful planning or expertise can prepare the team for the dangerous enemy that seems to predict their every move. An enemy that only Raj could have seen coming: the beautiful and mysterious, Anjali Sharma (Kajal).

The story begins with Raj washing up on a beach and is brought by armed guards into the chamber of an elderly man. The only things that Raj is carrying are a red rose and a small bright green stuffed parrot toy. “I have seen that thing many many years ago”, says the old man pointing to the parrot. The scene then cuts to a dream in the mind of Aman Mathur (Shahrukh Kumar in a double role) where Rahul and his team is on a Samapti mission, in which an individual’s mind is infiltrated through his dreams and his love for his girlfriend is stolen. Chikitsaks and their victims sleep in close proximity with each other connected by a device that administers a sedative and allows them to share a dream world built on their mental projections. Within the dream world, pain is felt but death merely results in consciousness. Rahul carries a stuffed toy – a bright green parrot, also known as tota, to test whether he is dreaming or awake, which flaps its wings continuously or intermittently, respectively. Unknown to Rahul and his team, Aman Mathur is actually auditioning the team to work for him.

Aman asks Rahul to perform the act of “aarambh” – secretly implanting love for another person in the target’s mind. The target is Naina Catherine Kapoor (Preity Pinta) whose mind has to be implanted with love for Rohit Patel (Saif Ali Kumar), because she feels that she is in love with Aman but unknown to her, Aman is dying of a serious heart condition. Since he knows that his life span is short he wants Naina to fall in love with Rohit so that they can live happily ever after.

Rahul meets Ali Bhai (Uday Bhopra) who is an excellent dream architect and recruits him for the mission. In Rahul’s mind, Ali discovers a vision of Rahul’s deceased girl friend, Anjali that continuously haunts him and sabotages his missions. Later, Rahul reveals to Ali that he and Anjali had spent many years in a limbo dream summer camp forging their lives playing basketball with a funny Sardar kid. She used to keep the stuffed parrot to remind herself if she was dreaming or awake. After waking up from the dream, Anjali disappeared only to be never found again with the police suspecting that Rahul had murdered her and hidden her dead body. That’s when Rahul started using the Anajli’s tota in her remembrance.

In payment of performing the aarambh on Naina Catherine Kapoor, Aman promises to clear Rahul’s criminal charges. Powered by this promise, Rahul devises a layer of multiple dreams (dream within a dream within a dream within a dream …) to infiltrate Naina’s mind and plant a deep love for Rohit. As Rahul and his team enter Naina’s subconscious, slowly it dawns upon Ali and Rahul that Rahul first needs to sort out his subconscious before they can successfully complete the mission because Anjali will keep sabotaging it. Gradually it is revealed that this is not the first time Rahul is performing an aarambh and has previously done it before – to Anjali. In the past, Rahul was in love with Tina (Maharani Mukherjee in a guest appearance), when Anjali was in love with Rahul. So that Anjali does not come in between Rahul and Tina, Rahul had performed an aarambh on Anjali so that she falls in love with someone else leaving Rahul and Tina alone. Secretly, Rahul had always loved Anjali more than Tina hence he kept having recurring visions of Anjali even after her mysterious disappearance. Rahul realizes that the only way he can complete Aman’s mission is by letting go of his love for Anjali by convincing himself that she is dead because that is the only way he can get her out of his mind and not have her sabotage the mission. He recalls for one last time that he had planted a random guy’s love in her mind and most probably the aarambh failed because Anjali could never forget her love for Rahul and ended up killing herself.

Finally, the mission is a success and Naina falls in love with Rohit. Aman keeps his promise makes sure that all charges are lifted from Rahul and that he is re-united with his children. The final twist in the tale comes when Rahul realizes that Anjali is not dead …when he sees her on TV with her husband, Ajay Devcannon. At this moment, he realizes that the ‘random’ man whose love he had planted in Anjali’s mind was none other than this guy. Totally flabbergasted, he looks at his tota, in the hope that this is a dream … and it starts flapping it wings … when suddenly the movie ends; leaving the question unanswered that whether this was a dream or reality.

What an original story! Pakka superhit!

SLAP ... SWIM ... PITA!

Old friends. There's something ineffable about them.

I was in Chicago last weekend and managed to catch up with some pals from the yesteryears. On my (very boring) flight back to Houston, I started thinking about how we form bonds with some people that strangely seem to withstand the test of time. We may be out of touch with some people for a long time, but when you meet them its almost like you start off where you left. No uncomfortable silences, no weirdness, no one-up-man-ship, no pretentiousness. Conversation flows smooth, just like a well aged single malt.

Life happens. We change. Sometimes so much that we are reduced to nothing but a mere shadow of what we once were. However hard we try not to, somewhere something changes ... and often it's not for the better. Reunions offer us a golden opportunity to travel back in time and provide us with a glimpse of what we once were, and then we look at ourselves now. If you feel that there is nothing good about the old you that you have lost over the years .... then all I can say is, good job growing up!

Then there's the fun part too ... the things that haven't changed. The buffoonery, the ability to just sit and yap all day long about nothing at all, the annoying-to-the-fiancé homo-erotic jokes, and the old unresolved friendly fights and banter. There are very few things that feel as deeply relaxing, serene, and exhilarating at the same time! One of the things that I am sure all of us have done at some point of time is create a buzzword/phrase/gesture to be used in a particular situation, which is like a private joke between a select group of individuals. To everyone else it is annoying and lame, but to the inner circle it's hilarious. When the "inner circle" meet after many years, not only do they pay homage to these private totems from the past but may also add some more to the existing list ... much to the future annoyance of others (those who don't know the origin of the joke) in whose presence these jokes will be cracked later.

When I asked my buddy in Chicago if we could catch a movie after dinner, he said "SLAP"! That's right, that was his answer! SLAP was his developed-on-the-spot acronym for "sounds like a plan"! It might be weird to you, but it had us rolling in laughter for some inexplicable reason. Soon, we had SWIM for "see what I mean", and PITA for "pain in the ass". Every time one of us used these acronyms it sent the gang into a fit of laughter. Was the joke that funny for three adults (all MBA's from premium B-schools) to giggle like a bunch of school girls in pink ribbons? Probably not. But there's something unknown (to me, at least) about our shared past that makes such jokes funny.

... and that's why I used the word "ineffable" in the first sentence of this post. That and the fact that I really like the word.

Knowing how hardworking some of you are, I know you are reading this at work. I am assuming if you had the time to read a blog post while your boss thinks you are creating shareholder value, you will also have the time through the day to think about some private jokes that you shared with some of your close friends in the past. If you are reading this at home, then try to think of those jokes and those buddies right away. Try to recollect some of those memories, and then drop a line to them saying "Hi ... it's been a while! Let's catch up sometime!".

For those of you who don't GAS (acronym for "give a shit") to this kind of stuff, well ... all the best! But for those of you who do GAS, here's some unasked-for-advice: please don't fool yourself into believing that you will do this "over the next weekend" ... do it now! How do I know that this thought crossed your mind? I took a SWAG (acronym for "scientific wild ass guess").

A-Z of Bollywood Cliches ... Part One

Everyone knows the common ones, viz. "Kutte, kaminey main tera khoon pi jaoonga" or "Main tumhare bachhe ki maa banne waali hoon", etc. So, I will try to stay clear of those and take a look at some of the less common ones ...

A is for ...
"Ab inhe dava ki nahi, duaa ki zaroorat hai"
Translation: Medicines could only do so much, now he needs prayers.
Frequency of use: Extremely high in the 70s and 80s. Declining now.
Explanation: Typically said by the a middle aged man wearing a white coat and a stethoscope. Even if the beneficiary from the aforesaid prayers is dying of lymphosarcoma of the intestine, the stethoscope is mandatory.
Can be substituted by: "Ab sab upar waale ke haath mein hai"
Translation: Now everything is in God's hands.


B is for ...
"Bas ek baar ... bas ek kaar keh do ki tumhe mujhse pyaar hai"
Translation: For once ... tell me that you love me.

Frequency: Quite high in war movies. However, when creatively paired with other cliches it can also be used in revenge sagas or in tutti-frutti love stories.
Explanation: The lovesick hero will utter these words of passion before he goes off to defend his country in war or rushes of to do something that is make-believe very important. Invariably whatever he is going to do will be selfless in nature. This dialog is often followed by a slow love song sung by the heroine with short montages of the hero off on his "mission".

Can be substituted by: "Mujhe kuchh nahi hoga, tumhara pyaar mere liye woh kavach hai jo mujhe maut ke mooh se bhi kheench ke tumhaare paas waapas layega."

Translation: Nothing will happen to me. Your love for me is an armor that will allow me to return safely into your arms from the gallows of death.

C is for ...
"Chillao mat!"

Translation: Don't shout.

Frequency of use: Any movie that has a patriarch will have a version of this dialog.
Explanation: Used more as a threat rather than as an advice or request. Generally, an authoritarian figure will say these words and more-often-than not will say it at a pitch exceeding 103.7 decibels. These words are generally spoken inside enclosed spaces such as in the living room of a mansion or in a really large office. This allows the words to echo and the camera immediately takes 3 closeups of the speaker's contorted face from different angles.

Alternative: "Khamosh!"

Translation: Silence

D is for ...
"Dhokebaaz! Maine tumhe kya samjha aur tum kya nikle"

Translation: You cheat! I trusted you and then you stabbed my back.

Frequency of use: Pretty low lately, given the fact that treachery and deceit is "cool" these days. However, back in the 80s you couldn't even make a mythological movie without this dialog.

Explanation: A naive girl who has been taken for a ride by a Casanova will say these words when she finds him putting the moves on another girl. Also cried out by the trusting business tycoon who went away on a long trip by giving his deputy the power of attorney for his entire business, only to find out on return that the deputy has now fraudulently taken over everything he once owned.

Alternative: "Aastin ke saanp"

Translation: Difficult to translate!

E is for ...
"Ek mahal ho sapnon kaa"

Translation: I dream of a house of dreams.

Frequency of use: No good movie has this dialog. Most bad movies have it. You guess.

Explanation: The girl or the guy will utter these words in a tender romantic moment when the couple is dreaming of a future together. Invariably, the writer puts this line into the script for melodrama and to play for contrast, because soon one of them is going to die. The house of dreams will remain a figment of imagination in a metaphorical, but clichéd, way. Oh yes, a dreamy love song has to start playing within 71 seconds of this dialog being spoken.

Alternative: "Hum apni duniya basayenge"

Translation: We will build a world of our own.

F is for ...

"Fizaon ne fir se apna rukh badal liya hai"
Translation: The winds of change are in motion.
Frequency of use: Potentially huge. Can be used in stories about business rivalry, ideological clashes, love triangles, and social uprising.
Explanation: Any story that involves two or more people competing against each other has a version of this dialog. Generally spoken by one of the competitors before he unleashes some action that for-a-while puts him ahead in the race. If this dialog is spoken in the first 30 minutes of the movie, the greater probability is that the underdog will win. If spoken in the last 30 minutes, the speaker wins.
Alternative: "Mausam badal rahe hain"
Translation: The weather is changing. Don't we love metaphors?

G is for ...
"Gaon ki gori"
Translation: The village belle.
Frequency of use: Done to death till the mid 90s. Declining now.
Explanation: Well, technically speaking this isn't a stand alone dialog. It's more of a personification of a cliched character. Typically the gaon ki gori is one that dresses up in lehenga-cholis, reveals ample cleavage, gets soaked in water every time she is near a pond/river/pot, has the local goon lusting after her, has a fat sidekick who has been thrown into the story for comic relief, is the lead dancer in the group dance act during the festival or the wedding celebrations, and has a razor sharp tongue that often gets her into trouble. Sometimes, this village belle will travel to the big, bad, city and will magically transform into a Paris Hilton overnight. One thing that never fails to surprise me about these girls is that even though they often live in villages where they have to fetch water from a well or a brook, they always seem to have perfect eyebrows, manicured nails, and waxed hairless arms, underarms, and legs.

H is for ...
"Haramzaade"
Translation: Bastard.
Frequency: Off-the-charts!
Explanation: Often confused as a mere cuss word, this word has several profound applications. The obvious situations where this word is used are right before the rape scene (said by the girl), before/during/after a fight scene between the hero and the bad guy (said by the hero), right after an accounting fraud has been discovered (said by the boss), and many more such obvious situations. However, when the hero (or one of the central characters) is an illegitimate child then the word develops undertones that may lead to a melodramatic flashback or a philosophical discussion, sometimes even a song!
Alternative: "Gandi naali ke keede"
Translation: Can someone help me with this one? Some statements don't cross over very well into a different language.

I is for ...
"I object, your honor"

Translation: I object, your honor :P

Explanation: Court scene. If the hero's lawyer objects, the objection is over-ruled. If the bad guy's lawyer objects, it is sustained. Simple.

Alternative: Are you kidding me? It's blasphemous to even think that this dialog can have a substitute.

Translation: Sind sie vich verarschen? (German for "are you kidding me?")

Frequency: Every movie with a court scene WILL have this dialog. Period.

J is for ...
"Judwaa bhai/behen."
Translation: Twin brother/sister
Explanation: Once again, not a dialog but an interesting species only found within Bollywood. You CANNOT have a twins story that does not involve a few cases of mistaken identities. You CANNOT have a twins story that ends with the two walking off in different directions. One HAS TO BE an absolute introvert and the other, an out-and-out extrovert. If there is a bad guy in the story, he WILL kidnap the wrong twin. There WILL be a happy song that the twins will sing together wearing dresses that are in absolute contrast with each other.

K is for ...
"Kutte, kaminey ... bhagwaan ke liye mujhe mujhe chhod de"
Translation: You bastard, leave me alone for god's sake.
Explanation: The quintessential precursor to a rape scene. Invariably followed by either the girl getting raped (with most of her clothes on), or by the dramatic entry of the hero who will pause to cover up the girl with his jacket before bashing up the goon. It's uncanny how the hero always remembers to wear a jacket on a night when any girl might be about to get raped.
Can be substituted by: "Nahinnnnnnnnnnnnn"
Translation: Nooooooooooooo. Also commonly used when someone dies.
Frequency of use: High.

Part 2 will soon follow ... Till then hit me with your ideas that I can use for L - Z.